Sex Talks
by Hitam
Summary: Your favorite KH couples go to a sex therapist! A lot of perversion, cursing, and mild crackness. “Well speaking of that matter, how would you describe your partner’s sex?” Axel x Roxas, Riku x Sora, and next is Zexion x Demyx!
1. Ember & Treasure Chest

**Sex Talks**

**Me no own Kingdom Hearts. ;O

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"So…your name is Axel, and your partner is named Roxas, is that correct?" She used her middle finger to push up her glasses so she could get a better look at her notes.

"I'm not anyone's damned prop-" he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Good thing my name isn't anyone, isn't it Roxas?" Axel hissed while receiving a glare from Roxas.

"Go fuck yourself." He coldly said turning his head in the opposite direction of Axel.

"I've been doing that for the last six weeks since you've-" Axel groaned.

"I see you two are having some difficulties." She brushed some strands of hair out of her face and removed the pen behind her ear.

"It doesn't take some doctor to see that." Roxas focused his icy glare at the female doctor.

She sighed and jotted some notes down on her clipboard.

"So why did you two decide to come to therapy?" She asked.

The other two looked at each other, then at the doctor.

"First this wasn't our decision, it was mister flurry of fucking flames over here." Roxas pointed to the red had who obviously took offense by the comment.

"Don't even start key of damned destiny. You were the one saying how our relationship in the bedroom was so boring these days." Axel got up from his chair and stood in front of Roxas.

Roxas snorted and turned his head upwards to look at Axel's face.

"Sit down, your crotch is blocking my line of sight." Axel's finger tips began flickering with fire and he gritted his teeth.

"You should be used to seeing it at this angle, Roxas."

"Maybe I wouldn't of, if you learned to give more than receive."

"The one time I don't think of myself, you fucking bitch."

"I have to agree with Roxas, but please sit down. I'm going to do an evaluation first. Then we can work on what you two think your biggest problems about your relationship are, okay" The doctor said with a slightly worried tone, why_ the hell were his fingers on fire?_

Axel took his seat and sloppily crossed his right leg over his left.

"When did you two start noticing you were attracted to each other?"

"It was by our fifth mission together. We had known each other for a good five months by then."

"First, you've got the timing way off; by our fifth mission we had known each other for two months. Second, you were constantly making a cad out of yourself by perverted indirect comments by our second mission. If I recall correctly, we had known each other for about two weeks then."

"Well excuse me, next time I'll record the date I first wanted to fuck someone."

"Roxas, what about you?" The doctor seemed to feel even more nervous. _Maybe I should of installed that security system._

"It was on our six mission. We were about to go back, but Axel insisted on staying longer. He cooked dinner for us, which was slightly burnt but I didn't mind. At night his eyes were so much more vibrant and entrancing. Then I thought to myself, _why the hell do I care about someone's eyes?_ Then I realized it."

"Next question, what attracted you to your partner?"

"Mhmm…He was one hell of a good fighter. He also was a total sarcastic smart ass; reminded me of my humor but his was dryer. Not to mention he has one of the nicest asses I've seen in awhile. Perfect size for me to, well you know doctor." Axel winked at Roxas who rolled his eyes in disgust.

"I found him extremely annoying, arrogant, selfish, and crude. No, I wasn't attracted to him by those qualities. I grew to enjoy his lame jokes he thought were so witty and his antics. He also gets this smirk on his face, right before he was about to destroy heartless. I mentioned his eyes already, didn't I? He's stubborn as hell, which for some weird reason I find it a good trait about him." Roxas looked at Axel who had relaxed his face.

"I have a fighting smirk?" He asked.

"Yes, it's almost like the one you give me when you have me under you." Axel let out a little laugh and mad a half smile.

"_Oh, that one_." He said looking very pleased with himself.

"Well speaking of that matter, how would you describe your partner's sex?"

"Well it's kind of trying to open a treasure chest without the key. You think you're getting it open because it makes a sound, but you're going in circles. Then after a lot of effort you get it open and grab one coin. Sadly the world isn't out to please you and suck your cock- well for you'd it be-" Axel stopped and looked at the doctor.

"Carry on, I understand." The doctor said slightly blushing from embarrassment.

"So, you grab that one coin and then realize the chest has closed. You feel you got cheated, since you know there is some damn good treasure in there" Axel said.

"Are you saying I'm a cock-tease, Axel?" Roxas angrily said.

"Roxas, if you just realized that…maybe I gave you too much credit for being smart." Axel teased.

"Roxas, sometimes it seems like a statement is negative at first, then you realize it is positive. By Axel describing your sex as a treasure chest, I've concluded Axel highly treasures sex with you. Also the one coin, I concluded it dealt with not being superfluous to spoil the moment. He wants to take his time so he can cherish the moment, isn't that true Axel? Am I correct?" The doctor faced an Axel who looked confused.

"Yah, sure whatever you say Doc." Axel muttered.

Roxas looked away from both Axel and the doctor and leaned back in the chair.

"Now Roxas, describe sex with Axel."

A smirk grew on Roxas' face; one Axel knew was his 'up to no good, mother fucker' smirk.

"Sex with Axel is like…like fire. Wait, more like an ember. It's very hot and intense, yet it dies out quickly." Axel's right eye twitched and his jaw slightly dropped.

"Are you, are you fucking saying I'm a damned minute man, Roxas?" He got up from his seat and balled his fist.

"Axel please, this exercise is to understand Roxas better." She fixed her glasses; which obviously by now was a nervous habit.

"I didn't say it, you just thought it." Axel grabbed Roxas' coat near his neck and brought him close.

"Then I better prove you wrong; I'll take the silver and you'll take the gold." He pushed his lips against Roxas', and then pulled back right before Roxas began to enjoy it.

"Well, there is only one sure way to prove me wrong." Roxas suggestively whispered into Axel's ear.

For being a sex therapist, she knew what was going to happen. She sighed and picked up her phone.

"Can you tell the next couple to come back tomorrow? I think my office will be busy…for awhile." The doctor turned around and saw Roxas' pinned against her file cabinet while grasping onto Axel's hair tightly. She got up from her chair and made her way to the room's exit. She heard a crash and saw her file cabinet was now on the floor along with her two patients.

"Oh great." She murmured as she watched the two who were obviously enjoying themselves.

She opened the door and saw her secretary smiling.

"That was pretty quick, and the next couple, Riku and Sora, said tomorrow will be fine." She chirped at the doctor.

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**Good, bad, craptastic? D: Tell me? Review?**


	2. Time is Money

**Sex Talks**

**Me no own Kingdom Hearts. ;O**

Thanks you so much for the reviews! FF was acting really weird, so I couldn't post this for about three days. x.x

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The therapist opened her office's blinds to let the light enter the room. She took a sip of her coffee and sat down at her desk.

On the desk she saw a letter that saw slightly singed, and so she decided to read it. She put on her glasses and picked up the letter.

_Dear Doc, _

_You'll be getting a new file cabinet in a few days. Along a new couch, unless you want the old one…I assume you don't._

_-Axel_

_PS: Roxas made me do this, but when did I start listening to Roxas? _

_Another PS: Roxas retracted his statement about me being a minute-man. I told you I wasn't._

After reading the letter, she had a dumbfounded look on her face. She scratched her right temple, and then with her free hand hit the button to talk to her secretary.

"Is Sora and Riku there?" She asked still wishing she was still in her bed.

"Yes! I'll send them right in." The secretary replied in her usual elated tone.

The therapist yawned a bit and took another sip of her coffee. She heard her door creek, and her eyes fixed on the now open door.

"You must be Riku," she said glancing at the silver haired one.

"…and you are Sora." She quickly looked at the smaller of the two.

"Yes ma'm!" Sora waved giving the doctor a small wave.

"Oh, I forgot my couch wasn't here anymore." She uneasily said.

She grabbed two chairs and placed them in front of her desk. Riku sat to the right, while Sora was on the left.

"So, what seems to be the problem?" She asked.

"Well, our jobs seem to be getting in the way of our relationship." Riku said facing forewords at the doctor.

"We rarely get any alone time, and when we do something always happens." Sora added sighing a bit.

"What are your jobs?" The doctor asked taking out her pen and fixing her clipboard.

"Well…err-" Sora scratched his head, trying to find the right words.

"We're exterminators." Riku quickly interjected.

Sora quickly turned his head towards Riku and gave him a 'come again?' face.

"As in bugs and vermin?" The doctor asked Riku.

"You can say that, I guess." Sora replied.

"Why don't you two find different jobs?" The doctor asked.

Riku and Sora looked at each other, and then quickly shook their heads.

"We can't. We are chosen to be exterminators, and we can't just stop." Riku said raising his voice unintentionally.

"…chosen to be exterminators?" The doctor asked who was very confused by now.

"It's a really long story." Sora muttered.

"Anyway, do you feel your job ties in with your relationship? As in, if you quit your job; you two will no longer be together?"

"No, but I guess our jobs pushed us to be together." Sora said while he shrugged.

"Have you ever had intercourse while on the job?" Riku and Sora immediately blushed at the comment and couldn't face each other.

"Does it really matter?" Riku asked with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Yes. I have a theory on why you two can't make time for each other."

"Why? We try, but we always get interrupted." Sora replied defensively.

"Early on in your relationship, did you not see each other much? Did it give you a thrill?"

"Yes, but does it really matter?" Riku rolled his eyes, this doctor was a quack.

"I'm assuming you two pulled what is known as a 'quickie' most of the time then?"

Sora's face was a bright red, and he knew this because he was trying to cover his face.

"Yes, we had a few. Sometimes up against a wall, in an alley, sometimes outside..." Riku smirked.

"Continue on, tell me more details."

"I love the thrill of pushing Sora against a wall and just doing it there. He worries about getting caught, yet he's so noisy. It's pretty cute actually, and the way he blushes-"

"Riku! Don't tell her all that embarrassing stuff, can't we keep some things personal!?" Sora yelled at Riku still blushing.

"No need to feel embarrassed about a healthy sex life." The doctor reassured Sora with a sincere smile.

"It's been kind of dead for awhile though." Sora mumbled.

"When was the last time you had sex?"

"Two months ago, and that was because a co-worker covered our shifts."

"Was it really two months ago, Riku? I feel sort of bad now." Sora stopped blushing and looked at Riku.

"Yes, but the attempts outnumber the times we've had sex." Riku said sounding displeased.

"How many times, Riku, Sora?"

"Well, there was yesterday in the cave, and this morning before breakfast-" Sora counted using his finger.

"Thirty times in two weeks." Riku said with a slight twitch in his eyes.

The doctor was taken back and couldn't help but let her jaw drop.

"You know the exact number, Riku?" Sora asked now scratching his arm.

"Sora, I remember each time because the agony I had to go through. The hand just doesn't pull it off-"

"I understand." The doctor cut off Riku.

She was slightly blushing, which was pretty unethical. She had an excuse; she was new at her job. At least this couple wasn't insulting each other and didn't have weird powers.

"Sora, what have you done to try and make time for Riku?" Sora took a second and tried to search his thoughts.

"Well, I tried to have our _co-workers_…" Sora looked at Riku, who shrugged at him

"But they can't get the job done like we do."

"Yet you had time for this appointment?" The doctor jotted some notes down and fixed her glasses.

"Uhh…well, I never thought about that." Sora looked at Riku was cursing to himself.

"This always happens to us! We end up having free time, but we totally forget about it, or we're too tired to do anything."

"Riku, please elaborate on your previous statement."

"Well, last week we ended up spending half the day together alone. Yet we did nothing because the day before we worked too hard _exterminating_."

"Well Riku, I think I know why you two are making it seem like you don't have time for each other."

"How!?" Both of them asked at the same time.

"You said previously early on in your relationship you had the thrill, the rush of passion of quick meetings. Distance doesn't just make the heart grow fonder, but the body as well. You felt you didn't have time, so you made time work for you. Now that you have time, you two feel you are lacking the thrill and fun you had before to now. You're trying to convince yourself you don't have time, hoping you can get that thrill back. Am I getting close?"

The two keyblade wielders looked at each other then at the doctor.

"You see, you could have easily just gone to the bathroom before this appointment and had sex in one of the bathroom stalls. Not that I'm condoning it, but in your case I think it would be okay."

"Doctor?"

"Yes Riku?"

"Can we borrow your office?"

The doctor gave a slight smirk and let out a small chuckle.

"Of course." The doctor said as she got up from her chair and walked towards the door, leaving a smirking Riku and a blushing Sora.

"Why didn't we think of that before…?" Sora looked at Riku who just shrugged.

"Your appointment for tomorrow has been filled." The secretary said as the doctor walked past her.

"That's good, do they happen to be normal this time?"

"Umm…well their names are Zexion and Demyx." The secretary said a bit wearily.

"Good, I hate normal; normal is so boring and trite these days."

"Plus…I seem to get more money out of the 'eccentric ones'." The doctor concluding to her nodding secretary.

A load thump was heard and everyone in the office shot their heads towards the office door.

"Riku…you're going too fast! It hurts!" A moaning Sora yelled as the door broke from its hinges and fell onto the ground.

He then hissed since his back hit the ground because of the door.

"Most people usually complain about it being too slow!" Riku yelled at him blushing a bit.

"Uhmm!" The doctor said trying to bring both of the boys back into reality.

They both looked at the doctor and then at themselves. Sora looked absolutely mortified and quickly rolled to leave his prior position. Riku got up and pulled Sora's arm to get him inside the office.

"Sorry" he said as he stuck out his head after entering the office.

"…your office is going to be busy the rest of the day, isn't it?" The secretary asked meekly.

"Yeah, and make sure you charge them for that door."

"Alright, anything else, doctor?"

"Remind me to make the office sound proof one day." The doctor said as she heard Sora and Riku through the paper thin walls.

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I'm happy yet feel a little down on myself for this one. I like making couples mad at each other, but with Riku and Sora I can't really picture them doing what Axel and Roxas were doing. Next time is Demyx and Zexion, and this is going to be the best, I'm pretty sure. I'm oustoundied by all the reviews, truly! I'm shocked people like this. Alright, so let's review and I'll love some suggestions for chapter four. I'm thinking Cloud and Leon, Saix and Xemnas, or Larxene and Marluxia. (whoa! A straight couple!) 


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